When seeking a long-term romantic partner, some of us do so with a set of expectations – sometimes unrealistic. We have a checklist of things we are looking for, such as how attractive our partner must be, how they should behave, what roles they should play, and how the relationship should look like. These expectations may be based on our family history, how our friends act, our past encounters, and influences from popular culture. Adhering to unrealistic expectations can make potential partners seem like they aren’t making the cut, and any relationship can appear to fall short.
It’s important to separate ideas of what you want versus what you need in a mate. Wants can change, needs cannot.
What you want in a partner can consist of attributes like jobs, intelligence, wealth, status, height, body shape, eye color, and even hair color. While these attributes may appear to be important initially, you will often discover as time passes that they aren’t that important after all. Do not limit your choices unnecessarily. Instead of someone who is rich, perhaps it’s more important to find someone who is witty or caring.
As compared to wants, needs are traits that are most important to you. These would be a potential partner’s values, ambitions, interests, and aspirations. What are their life goals? You aren’t likely to find out these innermost characteristics from a casual glance or scroll through a dating app. It takes effort and spending the time to get to know each other to truly foster an intimate connection.
When looking for lasting love, forget what looks right, forget what you think should be right, and forget what your friends, parents, or other people think is right, and ask yourself: Does the relationship feel right to me?
When trying to find a long-term partner, you have to forget what other people think is right for you; your friends and parents can’t tell you how to feel. Only YOU can decide if the relationship feels right for you.
The search for a partner should not be the center of your life. Focus on the things in your life that energize you, those that make you want to get out of bed each morning. These can be your job, your hobbies, and your time with family and friends. When you prioritize making yourself happy, you will be a more positive individual when you do happen to meet someone special.
Be open about your own shortcomings. Everyone has weaknesses and perceived flaws. If you want a long-lasting relationship, you need to find someone who will love you for who you are, not the person others want you to be, or the person you can pretend to be. You never know; what you think of as a shortcoming may very well be something that someone else finds appealing and interesting. By being open and honest, you will create the space for others to do the same. This will ultimately lead to a more fulfilling relationship.
First impressions are not foolproof, especially when using dating apps. People act differently in a variety of situations. How does your date behave when things don’t go their way or when they are stressed, tired, frustrated, or angry?
Focus your attention. Spare the time to really listen to your date. By concentrating on what they say, do, and how they respond to situations, you’ll quickly get to know them on a deeper level. Nonverbal communication can tell you a lot about other people. Be sure to take note of subtle gestures, expressions, and other visual cues.
Show genuine interest in your date. If you’re just pretending to listen or care, it can easily be picked up on. Small things go a long way, such as when you remember their preferences, take note of the stories they’ve told you, and what’s going on in their life. Put your smartphone away. You cannot really pay attention or foster a genuine connection when you’re multitasking.
Participate in new events and meet new people. Instead of looking up dating sites or hanging out in bars, think of being single as an opportunity to get out more and have fun. By engaging in activities that you enjoy and placing yourself in new situations, you will encounter new people who share similar interests and values. Even if you do not find the ideal partner, you will have nonetheless enjoyed yourself and made new friends along the way.
Invest in your relationship. Relationships will only run smoothly if you give it regular attention. The more you invest in each other, the more your relationship will grow. Set aside some special one-on-one couple time. Find things you enjoy doing together with your partner and commit to spending the time to do them, even when you’re tired, stressed, or busy.
Rejection is a common experience. Everyone looking for love would have to deal with rejection at some point, both as the one being rejected and the person doing the rejecting. Dealing with rejection can be less intimidating when you stay positive and be honest with yourself and others. The secret is to accept that rejection is an unavoidable part of dating and not to spend too much time being worried about it.
Do not take rejection personally. If you’re rejected after one or a few dates, the other party is likely rejecting you for superficial reasons you have no control over. Early rejections can be a blessing in disguise, sparing you from more pain down the road.
Don’t dwell on it, but learn from the experience. Do not beat yourself up over any mistakes you think you may have made. The past is the past. Do not dwell on it. If you discover that you tend to make the same mistakes, however, take the time to reflect on any problems you may need to work on. Then let it go. By dealing with rejection in a healthy way it can increase your confidence and resilience.
If your date demonstrates any red flags, it can mean that your relationship is not going to lead to a healthy, long-lasting love. Listen to your gut instincts and pay close attention to how your date makes you feel. If at any point you feel fearful, insecure, ashamed, demeaned, or undervalued, it may be a good time to reconsider the relationship.
Common relationship red flags include excessive alcohol dependence, lack of commitment, bad nonverbal communication, possessive and controlling behavior, exclusively sexual relationship, and unwarranted levels of secrecy.
Mutual trust is core to any strong and healthy relationship. Trust is not something that occurs overnight. It builds over time as your connection with the other person develops. However, if you're someone who's been betrayed, traumatized, or abused in the past, then you may have trust issues. This can cause your relationship to be plagued by fear of being betrayed, of being disappointed, or of leaving yourself vulnerable. You may find it impossible to trust others and build a long-lasting relationship.
But it is possible to learn to trust others again. By finding the right therapist or group therapy environment, you can identify the origin of your lack of trust and explore ways to address it in order to build stronger, more fulfilling connections with others.
Resolve conflict by being open and honest. You should not be fearful of conflict, no matter the challenges in your relationship. You need to talk about the things that bother you and work towards addressing them without feeling scared, humiliated, shameful, or unappreciated.
Be open to change. All relationships change as time passes. What you want from a relationship at the start would likely be different from what you and your partner want several years down the road. Ask what your partner wants. What do you want? If you’re open to change, it will not only make your relationship stronger, but also make you happier, more empathetic, and appreciated.